I present this writing for those who are in their hard times, especially with their family. I'm telling you, that's one treasure you'll find nowhere else, so keep it safe!
Hi guys. I miss you, the unknown reader of my posts. The three digits of views never fail to excite me!
I've so many to tell, but I think these topics come from a root, and that will do.
It's about my father again. Since our family got a big experience from my father's disease , a lot has happened, really. Now, where do I start?
...
I'm now listening to ocean waves, bird chirps, Indonesian traditional musical instruments, to keep myself focused. I postponed this post several times because I really don't want to write about it. But heaven, how I need a bucket.
Here are some points:
- Thank Lord I finished the bachelor thingy. I am now a Bachelor of Communication Science. A good communicator, shouldn't I?
- Thank Lord I am now serving as the leader of Sta. Maria Imakulata Church Catholic Youth. That's something I never imagined before. Well yes, once. I read about my senior' biography in Sabitah (our church magazine), she was the leader about 7 years ago, and I thought "such responsibility!" All I can say to You is, "such trust You put, oh Lord.."
- I am now working as a freelance. kspbservices.com , it's our website. it's really nice if you could give a short visit :) We are a team who deal with videography, design including graphic and web, and training: team building, outbound, recollection, etc.
- It's been a rough days for 8 months, why? because I love my father. I care about him.
so...
It was Friday, August 8th 2014. I was having an internship as a health reporter at Kompas.com.
The internship was surprisingly challenging yet fun. Until I came home that night.
We were having a dinner, like usual. I saw my father, he sat across me. He ate silently, his poker face showed something that never been told before.
I remembered perfectly what happened that night. After he ate, he brushed his teeth, then he told me to eat those sliced papaya on the table. I recognized something strange: the way he talked. He stuttered, then he did everything slowly. That second made me feel empty, physically. I paralyzed. Then I asked him, vigorously, "WHY DO YOU TALK LIKE THAT?"
He walked to me from the tab, and tried to pass me. I hold him, I replied my question, "WHAT HAPPENED?"
He began to burst into tears, "I DON'T KNOW!" His voice trembled.
I felt exactly like Renai (the main actor's wife in Insidious) when she found out that his husband is not him, but someone else. That arising and frightening agony.
I had no idea but hugged him tight. I said, "It's okay.." Not a long hug, but I think it would do it.
He went back to the couch, watched TV while thinking about himself (I just know when my dad do it, not really paying attention to the film.)
I rushed into my room, forced my bro to pray The Three Hail Marys Novena together. My mind was full of flies, bees, and grasshoppers (couldn't find the right metaphor).
The next day, I went to office to work (Since I had a service next week, I work as the substitute. It's Saturday). I drove my bike like really slow, I sang "Jesus,Jesus,Jesus ("Amazing Grace" melodies, but you change the lyrics into "Jesus" only)
I never cried that bad before. My helmet was soaked, I couldn't stop it. My tears express the sharpest despair I ever had. "MY FATHER HAS STROKE"
I arrived, wiped all that sad face, went to my desk, and walah... nobody's here.. I just realized that my desk(health desk) may worked at home on weekend. Damn.
I turned on the National Geographic channel, then take myself a moment of relieve.
I forgot the show's name, but it's about sick people in hospital, and how their family take care of them. The serial shows how hopeful the family even if they know their relatives couldn't make it. "How it could make such coincidence???"
I went home and found my father was still asleep.
Since that day, everytime I saw my father asleep, I stoned, analyzing, to make sure my father is breathing (it's a kind of bad anxiety).
You know something like God's joking on me?
I really hate Kemanggisan, one of the most crowded area in Jakarta. It has small road, university, suck public transportation (because they drive carelessly, stop and go as they like). I never wanted to go there.
But, I worked at Kompas.com, one of the fastest route would take me to Kemanggisan. My brother studied at that university. There's a stroke specialist at Kemanggisan and on weekend, I had to take my father there, struggling in such traffic. *sigh*
Anyway, that's how I lived for months. I should finish my study, internship, while taking care of my father. I didn't mean to complain for such responsibility, I believe there are many who suffer worse out there. But still..
We took him to Siloam Hospital. We should do the MRI check for his brain. But my dad made a chaos in hospital by waking from his bed right before the machine does the work. The nurses surrendered. Such stubborn dad.
The first month was the hardest. He had trouble taking off clothes and pants. He cried in despair for several times. My mom too.. "You know, your father is never this depressed. He never cry.." Yes, I saw it myself. He never cry. Not on his parents funeral. Not when he was taken to the police for interrogation years ago. Not when he was fighting with many people in his young age. Not when G30S/PKI happened. Not when May '98 crisis happened.
My father contacted his old friend, a sinshe (Chinese traditional doctor). He healed many, including my family and Abdurrahman Wahid. My father explained his condition and the sinshe said, "Why are you worried? Many got worse and cured!"
It was a relieve. We drove there and conversation happened. My father never pay him. They are really good friend that sinshe never wanted our money. People offer for 10 mil, 40 mil to be treated, but he refused them.
As a gratitude, my father insist. So, the sinshe gave his account number and my father transferred some. What happened after this shocked me. That sinshe never answered my father call again. Maybe the amount is too small and it arouse his dignity, the value he hold for years.
My dad's memory began to deteriorate a couple months ago. I was talking to him. When I told him about my best friend, he asked "Who is that?" I explained who in the world my best friend is, one of few he recognized back there for years.
He forgot many things: my girlfriend, my friends, some of his past.
But he remembered big events, including my work, my services, payment due date.
My father was a great athlete. He did running, swimming, badminton, pingpong. And doctor said he shouldn't work out too hard from now on. I started to swim as a routine to accompany him. One day, I was changing cloth and I found out my father fell, stumbled by the stair step. It shocked me like, "It's only a minute.. Why not the other hours while I was with him?"
He read that Buddhist bible every night, I once prayed for him. I sat and I asked him to make the cross. I prayed for his health, that asked him to say "Amen".
I hardly have a rest. The only me-time is midnight, when my father when to sleep.
He got tired easily. He couldn't drive too far. There are no friends left for him.
I learned it the hard way, how his world 'betrayed' my dad at the end line.
Somehow, my father make it to the church. Thank Lord for Your grace.
He has been attending about 8 mass from I was born: my baptism, my sister marriage, one when we went to Palembang, the other when I serve to play the sax, the other 4 were the weekly mass, along with my mother and/or me.
Never in my mind to convert him. I thought people out there who convert to Christian might have a gloomy past. They really hate Christian at first. But my father is another story. He is Buddhist and tolerating my mother as a Catholic for years of marriage. He even let his children to be Catholic. He drive us to church if needed. I mean, he has reached the 'we-cool' point and for me, it's problem (sorry for my radicalism)
How is my father now?
This morning, he and my mother flew to Palembang for relative's marriage. He smiled a lot, repeating how burnt I am after TERAMO KALTARA 2015, waved to me from the taxi. These are definitely a grace.
I asked many people to pray for my dad. I share my mental burden. I was mad, sad, happy, through it all. I realized it's not my father who has been tested. It's me, it's my mother, it's my family.
We are striving for better faith, to prove that His plan is a wonder
([11] For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of affliction, to give you an end and patience.) - Jeremiah 29:11
When I worked as reporter, I learned about stroke, about diseases, way to treat and prevent them. I become a doctor by being a journalist, at least for myself and my family.
I learned to serve more and more and let God take care of my family. Why worry if you have The Best One?
Sometimes, I lied to myself. I seek for another 'aspirin', while 'waiting for God's time'. I believe to Him, but I'm really alone. I have nobody to lean on, because I should be the real man now.
I learned about justice, how I should control my emotion and anger, not to let it flow and hurt my innocent friend.
I am struggling with kspbservices.com to seek any client, just when I watched Daredevil series, yeahh.. we share the same problem. Nelson & Murdock have no client, getting nowhere to be paid. It's only I'm fighting alone, no office, and no super power. But I put my 'bet' in God, always. One day, I will share my hard times to all of you, in front of you, verbally. How He accompanied me through any times and let me be His loyal servant. He is so good to me, He is so good to my father.
My father is now healthy, leaving a little trail of the stroke. Some warned about the next attack, the doctor say my father should spent the rest of his life with medication.
One night, my father asked me about his cellphone. The old Nokia. "You are all busy with your phones, and I have no phone like that," my father said to me, my brother, and mom. We are having lunch with our phone, and there was no conversation. He said it while laughing, that's why it shot me through the head. I and mom went to the mall to buy him a smartphone, for a while, he gave up learning how to use it. I'm so sad..
nobody texting him..
I saw messages in his outbox accidentally..
He train himself to text, to gain control of his fingers again. He wrote something like "today I had stroke, I couldn't talk.." he texted a man who sell hexagonal water to buy more and would like to meet. He texted his ex-coworker who in debt to my father, saying he needs the money to pay the medicines. I got mad several times to that scumbag, almost committed to come there, assault him, and do anything to take what my father should has. But it's not His way. I hindered to see my father is so helpless but I couldn't do anything because I should teach (show) His love.
I feel better now.. at least about my father. Once too.. I was so depressed to see my father's condition I pray that it's better He take him now.. I'm sorry, don't mean to be rude, but that's what I said after the all-time low.. *sigh* I am now appreciating my family time more. I rarely go out for something unnecessary. I am preparing myself to be 24/7 for my parents.
in darkest time, in brightest moment, let us say...
confitemini domino, quoniam bonus, confitemini domino, haleluya (Praise The Lord, for He is Good, Praise The Lord, Haleluya)
I learned it the hard way, how his world 'betrayed' my dad at the end line.
Somehow, my father make it to the church. Thank Lord for Your grace.
He has been attending about 8 mass from I was born: my baptism, my sister marriage, one when we went to Palembang, the other when I serve to play the sax, the other 4 were the weekly mass, along with my mother and/or me.
Never in my mind to convert him. I thought people out there who convert to Christian might have a gloomy past. They really hate Christian at first. But my father is another story. He is Buddhist and tolerating my mother as a Catholic for years of marriage. He even let his children to be Catholic. He drive us to church if needed. I mean, he has reached the 'we-cool' point and for me, it's problem (sorry for my radicalism)
How is my father now?
This morning, he and my mother flew to Palembang for relative's marriage. He smiled a lot, repeating how burnt I am after TERAMO KALTARA 2015, waved to me from the taxi. These are definitely a grace.
I asked many people to pray for my dad. I share my mental burden. I was mad, sad, happy, through it all. I realized it's not my father who has been tested. It's me, it's my mother, it's my family.
We are striving for better faith, to prove that His plan is a wonder
([11] For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of affliction, to give you an end and patience.) - Jeremiah 29:11
When I worked as reporter, I learned about stroke, about diseases, way to treat and prevent them. I become a doctor by being a journalist, at least for myself and my family.
I learned to serve more and more and let God take care of my family. Why worry if you have The Best One?
Sometimes, I lied to myself. I seek for another 'aspirin', while 'waiting for God's time'. I believe to Him, but I'm really alone. I have nobody to lean on, because I should be the real man now.
I learned about justice, how I should control my emotion and anger, not to let it flow and hurt my innocent friend.
I am struggling with kspbservices.com to seek any client, just when I watched Daredevil series, yeahh.. we share the same problem. Nelson & Murdock have no client, getting nowhere to be paid. It's only I'm fighting alone, no office, and no super power. But I put my 'bet' in God, always. One day, I will share my hard times to all of you, in front of you, verbally. How He accompanied me through any times and let me be His loyal servant. He is so good to me, He is so good to my father.
My father is now healthy, leaving a little trail of the stroke. Some warned about the next attack, the doctor say my father should spent the rest of his life with medication.
One night, my father asked me about his cellphone. The old Nokia. "You are all busy with your phones, and I have no phone like that," my father said to me, my brother, and mom. We are having lunch with our phone, and there was no conversation. He said it while laughing, that's why it shot me through the head. I and mom went to the mall to buy him a smartphone, for a while, he gave up learning how to use it. I'm so sad..
nobody texting him..
I saw messages in his outbox accidentally..
He train himself to text, to gain control of his fingers again. He wrote something like "today I had stroke, I couldn't talk.." he texted a man who sell hexagonal water to buy more and would like to meet. He texted his ex-coworker who in debt to my father, saying he needs the money to pay the medicines. I got mad several times to that scumbag, almost committed to come there, assault him, and do anything to take what my father should has. But it's not His way. I hindered to see my father is so helpless but I couldn't do anything because I should teach (show) His love.
 |
| Owen, my father, and Kenny. Thank Lord for my father's birthday last December. He is now quite healthy and fit. |
I feel better now.. at least about my father. Once too.. I was so depressed to see my father's condition I pray that it's better He take him now.. I'm sorry, don't mean to be rude, but that's what I said after the all-time low.. *sigh* I am now appreciating my family time more. I rarely go out for something unnecessary. I am preparing myself to be 24/7 for my parents.
in darkest time, in brightest moment, let us say...
confitemini domino, quoniam bonus, confitemini domino, haleluya (Praise The Lord, for He is Good, Praise The Lord, Haleluya)
thank you for reading.
why remain steady if spreading a blessing is as easy as clicking?
God Bless Us
Love :)
"Some parents are too good at their duty, and some children just couldn't get it"
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